The meatball’s case for 90 White Sox wins

The following transcript was taken from the 2026 Federation of Meatballs’ 27th Annual “Jeez, This Guy is a Little Out There, Even for Us” Banquet

Mayor McBall: The Federation of Meatballs has come to order. Our guest speaker is David James. Once again, we remind our audience that Mr. James requested that his remarks remain private. Do not provide any comments from tonight’s event to non-Meatball press. Please welcome, Mr. James.
 
[Mr. James stumbles onto stage like Kramer entering Seinfeld’s apartment, except it’s too earnest to be funny. The microphone feeds back. An old man wet coughs.]
 
It’s great to be back, meatballs. I’ll address the elephant in the room up top — times have been tough.
 
[Murmuring]
 
There was nothing for even the most meatball-y of us to hold on to in 2024. When the 2025 iteration of our Pale Hose sported a record of 7-23 by end of April [loud groan], us meatballs were but moldy ground chuck.
 
[Murmuring intensifies]
 
I was so numb by then. Hey, remember when Mike Clevinger walked three guys in a third of an inning and I held my hand on top of my lit stove for 10 minutes? Never felt a thing! I swear on my good hand.

[Crowd sounds grossed out]
 
Anyways, we adjourned for an extended recess after that. Now we have reconvened 10 months later. My friends, there is a case for 90 wins here.
 
[A man attempts to rush the stage, yelling “Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry.” Security tackles him.]
 
It is just a case! A small case, minuscule! But is that what meatballs live for, right? Just hear me out! Hear me out!
 
[After minutes of fumbling by Mr. James, a PowerPoint titled “Hear Me Out” appears on a screen above stage.]
 
1. The roster changed a lot between April and September
Listen. I don’t blame anybody who checked out on the 2025 White Sox before May 1. That club sucked.
 
Courtesy of B-Ref, here are the slash lines for the 12 White Sox hitters with the most plate appearances at the beginning of May 1:

Bleak! Now, let’s do the same thing, but for the second half of the season:
 

Not too shabby! And they’re returning nine of these 12!
 
2. The player development staff isn’t Chris Getz
I’m not saying Chris Getz is Branch Rickey – I’m pretty sure that Rickey always knew which side of the plate his charges swung from, for starters – but there’s evidence beginning to compile which suggests that Getz is a self-aware doofus.
 
Why is self-awareness important? Because by all accounts, he’s hiring smart player development people, opening the checkbook for some cutting-edge gadgets, and then getting the hell out of the way.
 
Again, it’s just basic stuff: According to James Fegan’s reporting at Sox Machine, Getz installed Hawkeye tech at all of the organization affiliates, gave his international scouting departments portable Trackman, and a whole bunch of other shit every other franchise had for more than a decade by this point. Every time you try to compliment Getz, to be honest, you’re really just condemning the previous regimes.
 
But, uh, yeah. Getz did it, and Colson Montgomery was magically fixed within three months (seriously, were they teaching him to swing with his eyes closed before?) So, right on!
 
3. Murakami
All I’m saying is … if my job was to hit 40 dingers, and I told my employer that in order to do my job they had to install a personal water jet for my ass, and they gave me my ass jet, I’d feel duty-bound (lol) to hit 40 dingers.
 
4. I think they like each other
I know it’s not tangible, but it feels important? They even like Mike Vasil enough that they want to hang out with him during his rehab? I’ll admit, I feel myself grasping at straws. I’ll rest my case, meatballs.
 
[Once Mr. James concluded his presentation, the Meatball Federation immediately rushed the stage and beat him with the rubber soles of their shoes. The Federation expends their sincerest apologize to the idiot.]